suppose to date kor for a game of badminton this afternoon. i backed out in the end. only reason that i could give was i just felt nasty and i just want to rot in my own world.

last night, i surrender, i couldn't slp without calling him. i called him. i hang up after hearing his voice. but it didn't help. only at that point of time i realize, its no longer about him. its myself protesting against myself.

this morning, as usual, i couldn't bring myself to not msg him. i msg him. he still doesn't get how i feel. i came online, saw his msn msg from yesterday. i finally understand why he drag the thing. but it was not enough for my to forgive myself or make myself feel easy as compared to what i have said to my parents. his reason was that his afraid to set a timing, because his scare that he can't committ. isn't that afriad to take up responsibility? i thought. but on the other hand, i tried to convince myself otherwise.

i understand his reason. but y does he have to hide. den what about the previous mth, when his free? why can't he help? why everytime we talk about this topic, he has to be nasty and blow this temper? i know i should trust him. but i couldn't help to wonder if his reason was genuine.

there are still many questions in my head. i know his going to be enlisted soon. i also want to spend more time with him. but i am not sure if i could be like the past- just forget all my questions n forget about everything. n start all over again. this always happen whenever we had disagreements. if he get enlisted, wouldn't things be worst because i can't even communicate with him anymore ?

what am i suppose to do. what will my decision lies. to him, i am always trying to argue that i am right. but does it occurs to him that, maybe it was his own thinking. that's y his trying to fight back becoz he doesn't want to be wrong all the time.

one thing for sure, i don't wish to lost him.