10.48am. its too early to see me waking up in the day. i'm totally lost, guilty and rotted.

the actual fact was that my mind was clear at bout 6.30am. i had a real bad dream, dreamt that things that i once lost and now found was gone once again. i woke up went to my back make sure that my IC, my Bank Book and whatever that i fear to lose it again i went to check it out. i don't know why am i stressing out for this dream but i don't like the feeling that i will lose it again w/o knowing the reason why.

went back to slp, had another bad dream. i dreamt that one of my fren was married but in the end, the whole event was flooded with water. no one died. but she was upset. n so was i because throughout the dream i know that i was venting my anger towards every fren i saw in that dream.

9.12am mom's got a call, her worker was down with illness once again. my dad has been super unreasonable to expect me to go n work immediately. i don't know where i got the courage. but i scream and shout all the nasty things that i thought i would never said. i know it hurts them. esp. when my mom said don't bother calling her, let her rest for a while first. i knew that i was being unfillial. deep down in my heart after they left for work. i thought to myself. why i had such a bad temper this morning. ideas of leaving home struck me. i felt so ashame. because i knew that i did it for joshua. i was upset that i quarrel with joshua about my mom's stuff and i just push all the blame to my mom's and that's why i got so irritated when she asked me to help. i suddenly felt that maybe tt was how joshua thought and y his attitude changes.

10.59 i've been reading through my blog and realize that most stuff that i wrote over here are really my feelings. however, more of the negative and upset ones. dear friends, its not that i have nothing positive to blog.but to me, blogging its like a way of venting my anger and recalling my own mistake for the day. don't worry =)