我不想长大，我要回到每天都没有烦恼的日子。

对这电脑，等的是他的回应。时间慢慢得过了大半个钟头，他一直都还没有回应。是我错了吗？这一刻我突然心情感到好平静。是我忽略了他还是我不够了解他。我爱他的方式错了吗？可能是我长大了? 爱情再也不能像小时候，无忧无虑，真的就只有你和她。我好后悔我对他说的话，可能他这一辈子都应该没有人跟他说了呢么多伤人的话。



suppose to date kor for a game of badminton this afternoon. i backed out in the end. only reason that i could give was i just felt nasty and i just want to rot in my own world.

last night, i surrender, i couldn't slp without calling him. i called him. i hang up after hearing his voice. but it didn't help. only at that point of time i realize, its no longer about him. its myself protesting against myself.

this morning, as usual, i couldn't bring myself to not msg him. i msg him. he still doesn't get how i feel. i came online, saw his msn msg from yesterday. i finally understand why he drag the thing. but it was not enough for my to forgive myself or make myself feel easy as compared to what i have said to my parents. his reason was that his afraid to set a timing, because his scare that he can't committ. isn't that afriad to take up responsibility? i thought. but on the other hand, i tried to convince myself otherwise.

i understand his reason. but y does he have to hide. den what about the previous mth, when his free? why can't he help? why everytime we talk about this topic, he has to be nasty and blow this temper? i know i should trust him. but i couldn't help to wonder if his reason was genuine.

there are still many questions in my head. i know his going to be enlisted soon. i also want to spend more time with him. but i am not sure if i could be like the past- just forget all my questions n forget about everything. n start all over again. this always happen whenever we had disagreements. if he get enlisted, wouldn't things be worst because i can't even communicate with him anymore ?

what am i suppose to do. what will my decision lies. to him, i am always trying to argue that i am right. but does it occurs to him that, maybe it was his own thinking. that's y his trying to fight back becoz he doesn't want to be wrong all the time.

one thing for sure, i don't wish to lost him.






11.30 pm , 23 may 2008

dinner at changi airport. happy bdae mummy. n she'll be happy to read my blog =) the waiter hates me because i was so picky but i was nice seriously. whahas..




10.30pm

just got home from dinner. v yummy and full. suddenly i feel that i am back to myself. the happy self. i miss him. i hope he can really think it through and let me know what the problem.

i went sentosa like so long ago! n i just starting peeling. yucks.. every part of my body seems like the scale of a fish. i got myself a moisturizer and hope it works for my skin!

I brought my sister to cut her hair today, it suddenly just hit me with the fact that she's 4 years younger than me. omgosh.. i suddenly felt v old when the hairstylist reminded me of that fact. but it was a good hair cut @ jericks-central. not as expensive as i expected it to be?

10.35pm

his online. i wonder if his having the same urge as i am. but i think his not, because he once said that he won't as he would't assume something else. trapped in love.

10.38pm

i love u sokpeng!

the love of my life ♥♥



10.48am. its too early to see me waking up in the day. i'm totally lost, guilty and rotted.

the actual fact was that my mind was clear at bout 6.30am. i had a real bad dream, dreamt that things that i once lost and now found was gone once again. i woke up went to my back make sure that my IC, my Bank Book and whatever that i fear to lose it again i went to check it out. i don't know why am i stressing out for this dream but i don't like the feeling that i will lose it again w/o knowing the reason why.

went back to slp, had another bad dream. i dreamt that one of my fren was married but in the end, the whole event was flooded with water. no one died. but she was upset. n so was i because throughout the dream i know that i was venting my anger towards every fren i saw in that dream.

9.12am mom's got a call, her worker was down with illness once again. my dad has been super unreasonable to expect me to go n work immediately. i don't know where i got the courage. but i scream and shout all the nasty things that i thought i would never said. i know it hurts them. esp. when my mom said don't bother calling her, let her rest for a while first. i knew that i was being unfillial. deep down in my heart after they left for work. i thought to myself. why i had such a bad temper this morning. ideas of leaving home struck me. i felt so ashame. because i knew that i did it for joshua. i was upset that i quarrel with joshua about my mom's stuff and i just push all the blame to my mom's and that's why i got so irritated when she asked me to help. i suddenly felt that maybe tt was how joshua thought and y his attitude changes.

10.59 i've been reading through my blog and realize that most stuff that i wrote over here are really my feelings. however, more of the negative and upset ones. dear friends, its not that i have nothing positive to blog.but to me, blogging its like a way of venting my anger and recalling my own mistake for the day. don't worry =)



quarrel with joshua once again about the same issue. i tried my best in solving it really.

i solved it. but he thinks that the way i solved it for him its going cause him a bad impression.

upset. is that how i am towards him.



woke up in the morning, was super hungry. Decided to go down and get my lunch, the whole atmosphere felt silent, peaceful and calm. The wind that hit my skin was cold and there wasn't much people in the streets. it just make my day sad.

calls flooded my hp and house phone, drag myself to answer and it was my mum. i knew she needed help badly today so i knew i couldn't make it for the date with joshua. i don't know if he his unhappy about the about the last min cancellation but i had no choice.( his not ) mum isnt in her best mood this few days. i knew the things she needed help with wasn't much, so i ask joshua if he could change his thurs plan ( helping my mum w the computer) to today since our date is cancel. my intention was like maybe we could go for dinner after that ar. but immediately he told me that his going to the gym -.- to me of coz its an excuse. i mean i am alrights if u tell me say u can't make it and that you prefer going to the gym. but the way he tell me that his going to the gym was like nah i don't wish to help get lost. if he could change it to today wouldn't we have the whole day on thurs. what if thurs his going to take the whole day? Wouldn't we be missing out? he can't seems to understand my good intention. but i know that i shouldn't be forcing my thoughts on him too. argghh... i hate the feeling of quarreling with him on my mum's topic. i mean no matter what its my mum. his trying to be nice to help i know, but to me, once u promised to help than u odd to keep to that promise. its responsiblility already. only after the person did what he/she promise only then people will appreciate . am i thinking on the right track?

i am so afraid he would forget how to fixed the computer. because there is really no one who knows how to fixed it already. my uncle who set the formula yes his the person who set up the thing but there's too much thing for him to remember. everyone blame me say that since joshua is the only one that was being taught about the computer thing and it would be easy to forget shouldn't i get him to do it 2 mths ago. =( but joshua was the one that refused and kept insisting that he was busy. he doesn't know how it felt when peole say bad things about the one i love. n to me, it really feels like my fault.

whenever we reach this topic, before we could say anything or solve anything he will blow up. i know he has his man-ego and to guys its like " i am helping, i am being nice to help" i understand that you help with your own accordance n i should be grateful. i am . but have u helped. dragging this thing will just strained our r/s. that was what i told him today. and hope that he could just get this thing over and done with. i would rather he had not promised to help on this matter long time ago had i knew that he hasn't have the time.

This has nth to do with him

back home at 6. felt so lonely. i felt like i was dumped at home. cold and hungry=( its still raining outside.. i needed a hug. joan just called and dated me out tmr.. it felt good. suddenly feeling that my presence is important and there's someone out there remembering me.

school is starting on monday. how would it be like. kaplan- not the campus life like. would friends still gather after school hours ?



head down to uob plaza area to try to watch fireworks display. however, there are simply too many people for me to watch the other performance that is going on. so i decided to leave for my dinner and watch it tmr. i will be there tmr. hahas.. erm dickson was quite pissed w my sms because i asked him if the fireworks will start on the dot. bad temper him! but things are ok now =)

money money money.. there are so many people bdae coming along and all its like 21st, how much money do i have to spend =(

went sing song at topone ktv with my darling for the very first time. struggled with myself quite a bit but after that i decided i am high in the mood to sing so yea..sing song.. quite cheap though i thought. its 28 nett per person for 4 hours and its free flow of drinks. quite fun to sing w him because his voice its quite versatile but he odd to learn more duet songs hahahs..

was looking through my old photos, i really missed the days when my face was smooth.
but i will try to maintain whatever i have. :X

can someone tell me where can i get schedule planner that is quite cute looking?

my grad photos are not up yet, batam photos, sentosa photos all are still with the respective person.hahas



http://www.kamiojapan.jp/top.html

hey ppl look at this website and look at the diary.. any idea where in singapore can u find any of them?







catch at movie in the cinemas right now! great show.. worth the price. i love it =)

still coughing.. tmrz is the grad ceremony.. hope i will look great with the robe.



Went sentosa with leslie and gang on sat? Was quite tired. But its SEntosa! hahas.. i think the last time i went was in Jan? Missed the place. The tanning. Went to palawan again.. no Pretty boys . i think what i have in the group is much better =) Rena came late.. because of her BF? Everyone was like niam niam her but well i glad she came , the more the merrier.

As usual.. the photos are still with amy hahas so will upload the next time she send me all those pict we took in batam and in sentosa. Chatted with them about some past, crap, and future stuff. I think in their eyes i am always still the lil girl they knew back in sec 3? sometimes, i like the feeling that in their eyes i m the lil girl but soemtimes i dread it because i felt that i am so stupid, dumb and its like many a times, the things they say, i don't get it. Not because i am dumb but i just couldn't get the joke fast enuff. - always so slow- even thou they have tried explaining to me?

Went home, sunburnt in my arms my face and the worst thing my scalp? the part where my hair is the lesses wahahas.. maybe it has been exposed for too long, its red and painful =( but it will be better someday.

To caifa: thanks for letting me know that you guys will always be there for me even thou sometimes u guys love ignoring me! And yes also about the leslie stuff. I am not sure if you ever will get to read this. but i love u !




















When i met with fear, i run away. I want to go back home, the place i feel safe.
Nothing to do with you, i am just coward by nature.
I just cant control

When insecure get hold on me, things get super weird on my side.



I am not sure if its considered a happy friday. Bt at least the ending was a happy one.

Peishan : Sry, i will make up our date for you k ! i never meet bf for v long le hahas

Confused :
Last week HE said that his not feeling well, n i did say then don't come pick me to piano, but he still appeared. This week, same thing happen, but he didn't appear. I know that its nobody fault. Because, i shouldn't have assumed that. if i wanted to meet, just say. Because HE say he doesn't understand all the wrapped logic that i have. I have never wanted to argue further, because i knew that it was just small thing, a never ending thing.

Remembered:
Munwei msg me this afternoon to ask for dinner, so i called him up to see if still valids. Went for pastamania, and went to Studio Six to meet with leslie. Gosh how i miss him.. with his cute bald hair. Mr Policeman ! Well well, to all the concerned people around, i swore that i did not even had a slip of alchol. SAFE! After that, denghui, eames, alvin and shit i forgot his name, came. It was someone's bdae so happie bdae to him =)

A cup of vanilla frap to end the day with a lift from eugene for me and munwei- THANK

If loving you could be much simpler for me

Just came back from the doctor. Brought my both sisters along. Both got flu and cough again. There are like the 5 or 6 person having that. Deanne, get well soon too yea!

Yesterday, i had a weird dream. I dreamt of many long lost friends, i guessed i really missed them. Can we just meet !

Flu attack? Do your part, be healthy!

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/cna/20080502/tap-344873-231650b.html

Back Tracked Pictures =)









Happy birthday to my dearest KOR - JEREMY! =)

To celebrate his 21st birthday, he treated us to Sakura @ Tampines Safra. I never knew what Sakura is all about. Basically- i thought it weas a japanese restaurant.

The people who turned up was only me rena munwei n yiyang. * kor, don't be sad * I had a lot of food, never in my life so far did i felt that the buffet costs was worth the money. It is not because the food is extremely delicious or anything in that line. I guess i was just too hungry to be picky.

After which, we went to kor's house to decide where should we head off too - Serangoon Gardens shall be it. Wanted to hang out @ Ice cube, but it was simply too crowded for a place to chill out. We went to Coffee bean? They chased out of the aircon area man =( sux. We talked alot about life, about ambition, especially about me and beau. I don't know what's wrong with Yiyang, but he was just extremely interested about me n my prince progress. Lil Kpo Boi.

Yiyang n Jeremy tested me and Rena about the main city of different countries, thou i got some of it right, i still think that i need to brush up on my world's knowledge. I felt like a bimbo when i got some simple question wrong.

We headed off to home at about 130am? I had never seen Big Big rats and i mean more than like 4? There are like running around openly, i felt that it wasn't singapore at that point of time. whahahs...

Kor said something to me " i just wanna protect her ( someone ), i don't know why" for that second, i thought how nice would it be if someone said that to me.